Cursing a stress relief

Thursday, 17 October 2013 16:27

I WAS appalled to discover that a large number of people think hockey players are jocks with excrement for brains.

Just because we spend hours under the scorching sun, trying to put a tiny white ball between two posts using curved sticks, it doesn’t mean we’re daft. Golfers do almost the same thing, yet they’re revered. No one calls them jocs.

Not many of us underwent tertiary education or have the letters D and R as prefixes to our name; but we’re pretty smart.

For one, we’re bilingual. Gordie Howe proudly declared that all hockey players speak two languages: English and profanity. Now, English may be a challenge to some of the boys here, but as far as profanity goes… we’re pretty darn good.

Much like conventional education, cursing is nurtured over lengthy periods and must be learned experimentally. A hockey player probably starts playing at school, aged 10 to 12. Here, cursing is at its infancy. Embryonic. Curses spewed during this period are often emotional, formless and devoid of purpose.

When players start to delve deeper into the game and participate in matches of a higher level, their knowledge and ability to curse (cursability?) begin to improve. Researchers from the highly reliable Institute of Logan’s Beer Drinking Buddies discovered that the better you get at hockey, the more profane you become.

Not many people realise how difficult it is to curse on the playing field. They also do not realise its importance. Cursing is a safe, therapeutic way to relieve stress. It relaxes the mind and body, slows down the heart rate (pending confirmation from any scientist who would be willing to research this extremely baseless theory) and promotes brain activity.

It is a highly complicated process. Imagine you were playing a match. Your opponents are working you to the bone. Your legs start to wilt and your lungs begin to collapse purely from exhaustion. You look to the bench and the coach screams to you to carry on.

All of a sudden, your opponent knocks into you, for no apparent reason, and shoves you to the ground. Now, apart from being exhausted and out of sorts, you’re bruised. Mr Shover looks at you and smirks. You look at the referee, and for the love of god, he smirks as well.

What would you do?

Here’s what a hockey jock would do.

He’ll pick himself up, dust himself off and immerse himself back into the game. At the opportune moment, he will make his way to Mr Shover and succinctly describe the emotions felt when knocked over. He will, in very few words, establish an understanding that such occurrence should never take place again. A recurrence of such will incite unnecessary violence.

Words must be articulated with the right dose of emotion. Tonality is equally imperative. Limitations in vocabulary can often be compensated with proper volume control.

A hockey jock would say: “F*** You!” And the opponent would get the message loud and clear. Profanity at its best, concise yet powerful.

I’d like to see a damn golfer do that…

Source: Logan Raj (Malay Mail)

Last modified on Tuesday, 22 October 2013 10:45
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